I had an emotionally draining weekend and it has made me stop to think.
It started Thursday night. A guy with whom I played around with last week worked to set up a gang bang at my apartment for me to live out the fantasy of having a number of hot, hung guys come over and fuck me and then leave. One person showed up. He was not hot and I don't believe he was hung. I did not have sex that night. I have to ask myself, why should I expect other people, especially those who do not know me, to be able to understand my fantasies and have the power to have them met. His intentions were good and I am sure he put in a tremendous effort. For that I am grateful. The preparation in trying to find guys to meet my "specifications", coming to my place with refreshments, and putting up with me was a lot to do and a lot to ask for. It did fall flat, maybe because of the rain, because of the day of the week, guys are not into me, or what ever.
Saturday made Thursday look like a tea party. Saturday was the day I was to meet a hot Cuban guy from NJ I had been chatting with on BarebackRT. All week, we were emailing back and forth through the web site, sending SMS messages and talking on the phone. We seemed to have a hot spark between us.
After he finished work on Saturday he was to come into Manhattan to meet me. We talked about what we wanted to do to each other after we met, assuming that we did indeed have the chemistry in person that had built up on cyberland. In short, I waisted my entire Saturday making preparations and waiting and he never showed up, called, sent an SMS text, or email to tell me he wasn't showing up or apologize.
Here is a transcript of the SMS messages from my iPhone.
Jun 12, 2009 2:15 PM
Me: Hey Sexy. Are we still on for tomorrow?
Cuban Guy: U bet ur ass we on
Jun 12, 2009 2:43 PM
Me: Cool! Let's talk this evening.
Jun 12, 2009 3:37 PM
Cuban Guy: U got it
Cuban Guy: U got it cant wait to get nasty with u
Me: Grrrrrr. I am needing your load so badly right now.
Jun 12, 2009 4:20 PM
CG: Ull get all wend long
Jun 12, 2009 5:53 PM
Me: when is a good time to call?
CG: After 8 kool w u?
Me: Good for me. Do you want to call me?
CG: K u bet
Jun 12, 2009 8:48 PM
Me: Hello?
CG: Hey
Jun 12, 2009 9:39 PM
CG: Hey i didnt forget but still at work meeting
Me: Ok. My heart sunk
CG: Not at all man oink oink
Jun 13, 2009 1:56 AM
Me: I fell asleep at my desk. Call me when u see this.
Jun 13, 2009 1:16 PM
Me: Hey sexy
Jun 13, 2009 1:58 PM
CG: Hey im still at work so if u wanna cancell its k
Me: No I don't. Just want to know. Do you have an idea of what time you can come in? I hope you arent playing a game and u r going 2 come in to hang out.
CG: Not playn games baby two machnes broke down and Im behind
Me: That's all I need to know. Any eta?
CG: Any what? Lol
Me: Estimated time of arrival
Me: If it's gonna be a while may go to the leatherman and buy a new dildo.
Jun 13, 2009 2:32 PM
CG: Fckyeah do that ill be done soon
Jun 13, 2009 3:03 PM
Me: Ok heading downtown text me when u r on your way.
Jun 13, 2009 3:38 PM
Me: new toy purchased
CG: Hit me with the address done w work cant wait to get nasty w u man
Me: (I text him the address)
CG: K be there in 45 min an hour kool?
Me: Yes
CG: Woof woof lol
Me: Slurp. Oink
Jun 13, 2009 8:24 PM
Me: What you did is fucked up
Jun 14, 2009 4:56 PM
Me: Why did you make e think you were coming over?
Jun 14, 2009 5:54 PM
CG: Hey im still at work so if u wanna cancell its k
Me: Are you for real? You are mentally ill. You were coming yesterday. I take it you can not even take your lies straight. How low must a man be to manipulate and deceive someones emotions for nothing but a fantasy. You are pathetic.
A bit of my trust and faith in people was run over on Saturday. I am finding it difficult to grasp why he did this. Why would someone create this just to know it will hurt someone, a complete stranger for the most part? Sadly for me, this is not the first time I have experienced this setup and fantasy abort by someone on-line.
I don't want start believing that the chance to find real love is over, that no one really wants me, and that I am just a misfit pawn in some twisted game. In fact the real proof points the other way because I do meet a lot of guys that I like and there is even one out there that I have some feelings for.
I am gong to be more cautious about plans and expectations with the on-line community. It is the same as the face to face world, I wouldn't hand over my future and well being to a complete stranger. Just because I share some intimate information and even a couple of hours of good sex, these are not people I know.